U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
