Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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