i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize