apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
