Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
