my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
