never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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