4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
