I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
