PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Randomize
