listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
