is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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