I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
