that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
