All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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