I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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