Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
