is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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