Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
