Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
