fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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