i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
