He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
