Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
