we're chasing vodka with high fives
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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