Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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