i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
