Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
a search helicopter?!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize