just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
