No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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