I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
