I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
