i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
