Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
