theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
