I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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