I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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