I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
