Someone shit on the floor
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
