remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
time to smoke my breakfast
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
