While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
