let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize