Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
