If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
