yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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