I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
