How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
