my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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