Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
you never un-have a 4some
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
