i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize