mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
