So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
