If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
