I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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