Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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