The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Vodka?
Forever.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
