Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
