I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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