I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
