someone get that fucking seahorse.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you win again, gameday.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Be still, my beating vagina.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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