get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
