I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The air was thick with penises
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
